Fear
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I grew up in an imperfect household, like many, if not most of us. One of the lessons clearly instilled in me at an early age was that responsibility and duty are primary. I read the Odyssey at 12. Odysseus had a primary responsibilty to return to Ithaca. I started the Iliad, but could not find my way to go through it. I could not experience the origin of Western literature. It was just too hard, too coldly violent for me to experience. I have picked up the book several times over my 60 years, it remains true to today. I cannot read it. I understand that the Classical Greeks, the people that gave birth to the entire Western Civilization, were an unimaginably hard people.
In 9th grade, my English teacher used to select passages of literature, have us read them, and then do a writing assignment describing our reaction to them. Looking back all those decades, I know there must have been dozens of assignments. But the 14 year old boy only remembered one, which I quote, probably with small errors, here: “Cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant only taste of death but once. Of all the strange things I have ever heard, it seems to me most strange that men fear death, given that death, a necessary end, will come when it will come.” (Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar)
We get one journey through life. After that, nothing. For most of us, we may be remembered by the generation that succeeds us, but thereafter, our lives are consigned to be utterly unremembered.
Given inescapable annihilation, we must choose how to create ourselves on the canvas of a lifetime. We can chose to do it with a nod to excellence, an embrace of responsibility and duty, and a touch of panache. The alternative is to amount to nothing.
Chinese Tilapia
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Denise's "Chinese" tilapia recipie.
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First you prepare the aromatics:
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| Sautee the tilapia in canola oil. | |
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Then you sautee them in the oil from the tilapia, letting them steam. After a minute or so, add soy sauce and quar gum to thicken. |
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While the aromatics cook, gently steam some bok choy. |
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Plate the dinner, placing the aromatics on the tilapia. |
Sugar Thoughts
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American processed food companies are systematically poisoning America for profits. Witness sugar. Sugar is added to everything. There are 13.5 grams of sugar in Enfamil Premium baby formula.They start early because they know sugar is addictive. If you can get babies and kids addicted to this stuff with no nutritive value, you'll have them for life. I invite anyone with any doubts about whether sugar is addictive to do a search on "sugar addiction" on Google Scholar. There are no guidelines for sugar consumption for babies, but the American Heart Association recommends a maximum of 9 teaspoons (36 grams, 150 calories) of added sugar for men and 6 teaspoons (25 grams, 100 calories) for women per day. If an adult woman's maximum recommended intake is 25 grams, what on earth are we doing feeding the stuff to babies? Interestingly, the average American consumes 17 teaspoons of sugar a day.
Think about it. The limit is 9 teaspons or 150 calories per day. 2 tablespoons of Jiff contain 2 grams of added sugar. Two slices of Sunbeam bread contain 3 grams of sugar. Add two tablespoons of Concord grape jelly and you get an additional 13 grams of sugar. Finally, wash it down with a can of Coke at 39 grams of sugar and you have just poisoned yourself....or your child. There is no safe consumption level for sugar sweetened beverages. In the nutrition science world, they are so notorious that the term is abbreviated to SSB. Try a Google Scholar search on "sugar sweetened beverage".
I started checking nutrition labels years ago to avoid added sugar. Finding any kind of packaged food without added sugar or salt is nearly impossible. As an aside, try doing a Google Scholar search on "salt addiction". To become sensitized to your sugar intake, try adding up the grams of added sugar in your foods. I was amazed.....
https://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local/target-5-sugar-baby-formula/1949543/
https://www.heart.org/en/healthy-living/healthy-eating/eat-smart/sugar/added-sugars
https://www.myfooddiary.com/foods/7261702/welchs-concord-grape-jelly
Will, Motivation
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It’s not often that I have to search my will for the drive to workout. Today is one of them. The last thing I wanted to do this morning upon awakening was to exert myself….strenuously. I missed training on Tuesday and Wednesday, thoroughly due to my lack of planning and discipline. If I missed today, I knew I’d feel like a total slug.
33 dead lifts and 48 pull ups later I’m thinking: “this is a hell of a rude way to wake up!” Is it more masochistic to be down here doing this? Or is is more masochistic to blow it off? And deal with feeling like emotional crap for the next 24 hours until I get a chance to redeem myself? I see the effects of lifetimes of inactivity on people 20 years both my junior and senior. The payoff for continuous movement grows with the passing years. I realize that the cumulative effects of a sedentary lifestyle grow almost geometrically with age. This is particularly evident in comparisons between typical people and lifetime athletes in their 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s. I use the word “typical” purposely. While it may be typical to be sedentary, it is not normal, or healthy. Ralph, my 80-something early morning friend, sometimes runs with me for a couple of miles…...in the hills…..at my pace. He took up cardiovascular training in his early 40’s and has been at it ever since.
In recent years, the medical research community has been getting more vocal about the need for exercise. The current thinking is that not exercising is second only to smoking in a ranking of the worst things you can do for your health.
Ok….so pushing weight in the pre-dawn is not masochistic, but bend over barbell rows supersetted with bent over dumbbell flies are. I’m standing by that assessment. By the end of 5 sets, my rear delts are catatonic.
So the moral for the morning? There has to be one. Despite burning eyes, mild headache, and feeling generally like a rag, I managed 20,845 pounds in my full body compound dumbbell routine today, vice 19,330 on Monday. Despite that every rep, every set, and every exercise movement felt harder, I squeezed out more volume for each movement.
Never were truer words: “Just do it.”
Comfort
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On the weekend, I typically grant myself the luxury of waiting until sunrise to run. The winter’s long nights and sparse sunlight weighs on me and the weekday predawn runs add to the emotional load. I find that running after dawn, even on a cold, overcast, Maryland winter’s day is a relief from the darkness.
Today was a bit different. I spent the first hour padding around the house, first taking the chihuahua out, then making coffee for Denise and me. I took the time to grind her coffee beans to make that first cup of coffee specially good. I turned up the heat to 74 F and had humidifiers running in both the basement and the second floor. Denise got up and settled into her chaise with Peanut in her lap. I fell to updating various exercise note that I often do not have time to do during the work week. We were very comfortable in our shell, isolated from the predawn 27 F darkness.
Comfort. It appeals. Evolution scientists tell us that we probably have an instinct to be comfortable. It conserves life-ensuring energy. It saves calories for lean times. Studies show that the more people exercise, the more likely they are to be less active the rest of the day. This often stymies exercisers who are trying to lose weight. The 300 calorie run or 150 calorie weight work out is easily offset the rest of the day by being less active and, perhaps, indulging in a food reward.
I sat typing on my laptop in the warmth. My mind wandered. Comfort. Comfort means lack of movement. Lack of movement means slow atrophy of everything that keeps us healthy and alive. Muscles weaken and lose their innervation. Tendons and ligaments weaken. Motor function declines. Mitochondria shrink and disappear. Metabolic pathways that produce energy become sparse. Chromosome-protecting telomeres shorten, increasing the rate of the aging process. Lean mass declines; adipose mass increases. Quality of life declines. Morbidity increases. All the symptoms we mistakenly associate with aging increase their presence. George Sheehan put it succinctly: “You don’t stop running when you get old, you get old when you stop running.”
Hunter-gatherers do not have the luxury of being comfortable all the time. Hunger will inevitably intrude on indolent repose. Its bite is far worse than any desire to stay at rest, inspiring movement and the search for food. This search or hunt can become pleasurable in itself. Fit humans engaging in prolonged activity are often rewarded when their bodies release endorphins that decrease any pain and increases the sense of positive well-being. This enables the hunter or gatherer to continue effort for longer than he/she would feel inclined. We have evolved to enjoy the feeling of effort, as well as the feeling of no effort.
I dragged myself out of my repose, along with Denise. We went for 3 miles just before the crack dawn. It wasn’t comfortable. I ran another 3.1, after after leaving her at home. It was dawn and I worked harder. The sunrise always raises my spirits. Greater effort, pounding heart, lungs sucking air…it felt better. Elevated post-exercise oxygen consumption (EPOC), or after-burn, is greatest after more intense exercise. Likewise, so is the morphine-like endorphin high.
Now, as I type this, I’m comfortable again. I’m more comfortable than I was while I was sipping my first cup of coffee as I am at mental peace. My mind knows that my body is now repairing itself. My experience of satisfied mind and strengthening body are optimized by being comfortable.
Some references:
Comfort
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On the weekend, I typically grant myself the luxury of waiting until sunrise to run. The winter’s long nights and sparse sunlight weighs on me, the weekday predawn runs add to the emotional load. I find that running after dawn, even on a cold, overcast, Maryland winter’s day a relief from the darkness.
Today was a bit different. I spent the first hour padding around the house, first taking the chihuahua out, then making coffee for Denise and me. I took the time to grind her coffee beans to make that first cup of coffee specially good. I turned up the heat to 74 F and had humidifiers running in both the basement and the second floor. Denise got up and settled into her chaise with Peanut in her lap. I fell to updating various exercise note that I often do not have time to do during the work week. We were very comfortable in our shell, isolated from the predawn 27 F darkness.
Comfort. It appeals. Evolution scientists tell us that we probably have an instinct to be comfortable. It conserves life-ensuring energy. It saves calories for lean times. Studies show that the more people exercise, the more likely they are to be less active the rest of the day. This often stymies exercisers who are trying to lose weight. The 300 calorie run or 150 calorie weight work out is easily offset the rest of the day by being less active and, perhaps, indulging in a food reward.
I sat typing on my laptop in my warm shell. My mind wandered. Comfort. Comfort means lack of movement. Lack of movement means slow atrophy of everything that keeps us health and alive. Muscles weaken and lose their innervation. Tendons and ligaments decline. Motor function declines. Mitochondria shrink and disappear. Metabolic pathways that produce energy become sparse. Chromosome-protecting telomeres shorten, increasing the aging process. Lean mass declines; adipose mass increases. Quality of life declines. Morbidity increases. All the symptoms we mistakenly associate with aging increase their presence. George Sheehan put it succinctly: “You don’t stop running when you get old, you get old when you stop running.”
Denise and I were out for 3 miles just before the crack dawn. It wasn’t comfortable. I ran another 3.1, after after leaving her at home. It was dawn and I worked harder. Now, as I type, I’m comfortable again. I’m more comfortable than I was while I was sipping my first cup of coffee.
44th Marine Corps Marathon
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It was 61 F, under a steady moderate light rain. Normally, before a run, I can just walk outside, sniff the air, and know what to wear. That clarity was eluding me that morning. My objective knowledge said: “Race temperatures ranging from 65 F, rising to 71 F. Winds will be 10 miles per hour, gusting to 20. You’re perfectly comfortable in the rain at 71 F. bare chested while running. Wineglass was 40, raining, and you were in long sleeves. You came across the line nearly hypothermic, but that was much colder.” It was so dark and rainy and seemingly cold…..I wanted to wear long sleeved fleece to stay warm. Objectivity won, however. I picked shorts, technical muscle tee, and hat under a heavy construction plastic bag for protection from the rain. It was roughly 1.75 miles from the Residence Inn Roslynn to the starting line. There, we waited roughly 45 minutes for the start. I began to shiver, putting on technical sleeves and grabbing a full technical tee shirt, looping it on my N belt. While I was only mildly chilly, though shivering, under my plastic bag, I was concerned that when my muscle tee became soaked after taking off the plastic bag.
I ditched the bag as the crowd of 30 thousand surged forward with the firing of the Marine howitzer, before I crossed the starting line. I warmed instantly, notwithstanding the 65 degree rain. Three quarters of a mile later, my arm covers were off. At first, I pulled them down to my wrists, but I was still too warm. They wound up retired them on my belt. The hat followed soon after. My original estimate stood: I’m comfortable at 65 F to 70 F in a muscle tee in occasionally heavy rain.
By 9 miles, in Rock Creek Park, the runners had become resigned to the rain. Each time it picked up, a cheer rose from us. It will be an iconic moment for me, running with 30 thousand others in the pelting rain, up the winding road into the park, then back down, returning to Georgetown. Then, the unthinkable happened. Distracted by my surroundings, I had abandoned my habit of watching the unfamiliar road before me. My foot came down in what I thought was a puddle of water. Instead, it was a pothole. I could feel my right ankle twist fully on its exterior side as I stepped on it. I stepped forward with my left leg, certain that I would surely when I placed weight on my right foot, I’d feel the pain. I knew I would fail to finish due to a major sprain. But, striding forward, I felt no pain. I passed a woman runner sitting on the side of the road being attended by medical personnel. She had fallen, hitting her face and was bleeding profusely from her forehead. During the next 11 miles, I waited for the swelling to come. It never did. I am stunned that the ankle wasn’t severely sprained.
The most challenging rain came around mile 12, while I was working my way south along Paines Point. It came down heaving, pelting in gusts of wind from the south, blowing unimpeded across the Potomac River. I heard grumbling as I passed a lady and slowed to tell her that in 6 months, this would be a pleasant memory. I told her that despite the weather at Wineglass, time had turned it’s memory into a positive experience. I shared a fond recollection of how the cows in the fields starting running along side us. I would later learn that we got 3.5 inches that morning.
It has been 9 years since my last marathon. I ask myself why I came back. I realize that without measurement, without comparison, I decline. Without visiting the scale nearly every day, my weight drifts up. Without putting that measure around my waist once a week, my girth grows. Without hanging myself off the chinning bar, my upper body gets weaker. Without testing myself in that grim, unforgiving contest between clock and distance, my body gets slower. For me, the marathon is the ultimate test of how well I have lived the last 12 months of my life to enable my strength of will, strength of body, and maximal aerobic capacity to focus on one moment of maximum effort against an unforgiving standard. It is my test of how willing and able I am to live life.
"Importance of Assessing Cardiorespiratory Fitness in Clinical Practice: A Case for Fitness as a Clinical Vital Sign: A Scientific Statement From the American Heart Association". Circulation. 134 (24): e653–e699. doi:10.1161/CIR.0000000000000461. ISSN 0009-7322. PMID 27881567
I started the run planning on a 13:30 pace, based on what had felt comfortable in training. I was extremely disappointed by this as during my first 8 marathons, 10 mpm represented a fairly comfortable pace and 9:45 mpm was pretty much a PR. However, after a few miles, I found 12 mpm to appear sustainable, so I ran the whole effort trying to hit that goal. This became quite challenging after mile 20 or 21, but I managed close to it. It was a near maximal effort, my best on that day for the weather, my level of training, and admittedly my age. It has left me with a desire to do much better in 2020. Next fall, I need to see the fast side of 4:30 again. I realized that I probably trained too slowly this year, though perhaps giving my plantar fasciitis a full year to recover was not a mistake.
At 64, the commitment to be faster next year a remarkable mindset. It is not unlike the one that got me started at age 49. Fifteen years ago, my peers were telling me that I would ruin my knees or hips, give myself a heart attack, or some other dread mythical result of long distance training. Yet, over the past decade and a half, my physical ambitions have grown. I see the alternative result that arises from the cumulative effects of poor diet and inactivity across decades. We consistently lie to ourselves to indulge our vices. Then we lie to ourselves until we believe that the unnatural, unhealthy result of those vices is the normal way to be in our sixties…..and fifties...and so on.
After a 9 year hiatus, I finally ran my ninth marathon. In many ways, it felt like my first, given the insecurities I’ve had leading up to it. My first was the MCM. I feel that it was appropriate to return here.
2019 Training Journal
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9/16 Monday
I'm a little hung over from all the running over the weekend. I overslept to 3:40. This unusual, specially for a week day. My focus is good, though. I think my playlist music helps, maybe the coffee. I've picked up two techniques from my Iwakuni days that are really paying off again. I'm alternating supinated and pronated grips during my five sets of chin. This both increases my time between sets of identical movements and gives me a fuller, more satifying stress to my lats. I've also gone back to stretching between sets. It helps keep me focused on my work out and has the added benefit of getting me back into doing some flexibility work. I realize that there is no science suggesting a relationship between lower injury rates from running and stretching. But, for me, as my weekly miles drift above 40, I get impossibly achy without the stretching. It really feels like I'm on the edge of injury. After a couple of weeks' stretching, the aches during my runs have greatly decreased.
American Greatness
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Nice description of something I've felt most of my life, but have been unable to find a contemporary who seemed to understand. Now that I'm near retirement, they seem unable to comprehend my lack of an inclination to retire early. The Social System system is struggling to remain solvent. Full retirement age for my cohort is 66 and 2 months. I feel it is a duty as a member of the society to at least attain that age before retirement, contributing my part to the Social System system and society at large. The nation and individuals are facing the financial troubles that we are because we take more than we give; we spend more than we make; we do not see that society cannot work when it is composed of individuals who put themselves first.
Reading Marcus Aurelius, in his Meditations, repeatedly focuses on his duty as Roman and emperor to contribute to the well being of Rome. Likewise, all my life, it has been my focus to provide for those who depend on me and to make my contribution to the collective good. I don't really know where this presumption came from. I first read Epictetus in a course on Classical Philosophy when I was 19. Denise Vause learned, to her unhappiness, of my stoicism in my resigned acceptance of orders in the Corps when they occurred at inconvenient times. While UF exposed me to the Stoics, I'd guess I probably read "From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs" while in high school. I know it rang truly the first time I read it.
In popularizing the term "American Dream" in 1931, James Truslow wrote "life should be better and richer and fuller for everyone, with opportunity for each according to ability or achievement....It is not a dream of motor cars and high wages merely, but a dream of social order in which each man and each woman shall be able to attain to the fullest stature of which they are innately capable, and be recognized by others for what they are, regardless of the fortuitous circumstances of birth or position." Eighty years later, this has degenerated into a Kardashian fantasy of Trumpian excess. JFK's challenge to Americans, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country" has been forgotten in the flood of materialism and consumerism. The movie "Generation Wealth" illuminates this with disgusting clarity.
Nations and empires are great only if their members are great. America will not be great or be great again until Americans are individually great. An individual is only great if he/she has maximized his/her contribution to the well-being of those around her and her nation. To do this, one must strive for maximum excellence in body and mind.
Thoughts While Running: Praying and Meditation
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I realize that prayer is fundamentally different from sitting. In prayer, the actor is invariably asking for something from some other entity. In sitting, Zazen, the meditator is not addressing any other entity. The Buddhist meditator understands that there is nothing out there to pray to. Meditation is not about asking for something. The reasons given for meditation varies by practitioner. I do it to more viscerally understand what I already know objectively. All is change, all is transience. It is best to accept this and let go of attachments that try to ignore this reality.
Video games, careers, drugs, religions, music......all distract us from the fundamental truth of experience. Consciousness is a brief quirk in the evolution of time. We come into existence momentarily and in a flash the universe will snuff us out. Elizabethan Shakespeare understood this completely and captured the thought in Macbeth: "The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player That struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more: it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing."
6/26 Wednesday
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I understand that hard days should not come the day before a longer run. But Saturday, I ignored the advice. My plan it to run my 4 minute hill repeats on Thursdays, but, last week, I did not meet my plan. So I ran my hill repeats on Saturday, then went out for an easy 15 on Sunday. I've managed DOMS all this week. Finally, today, I only feel a little residual tiredness and/or sorenes coming down the stairs at work.
When I was a young man, I ignored all the rules of thumb and wondered why they even existed. Since returning to running at age 49, I've come to know very well why the guidance exists.
Thoughts on Death and Dying
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I listened to the awful way we kill our old in one of Terri Gross's always wonderful interviews while driving home from work today, entitled "A Clearer Map For Aging: 'Elderhood' Shows How Geriatricians Help Seniors Thrive". It got me to thinking.....
It has been a long journey from my Woodsville radish patch, across high Alpennine trails overlooking the Mediterranean, to so efficiently navigating the labyrinthine halls of my Agency's Big Four. I can't say that I've enjoyed it, but I achieved everything I set out to do. As I approach the end of the journey, it is not death that I fear. It is how we force people to die. Dying as a vegetable, incapacitated by dementia and pain killers in some institution leaching away the personal savings I have accumulated for my wife is worse than any other conceivable end. We have laws put in place by people who have no understanding of the biological sciences and evolutionary fact. Instead, they impose some mishmash of views concerning the right way to die that springs from ideas more comparable to Medieval myths than the scientific facts. To compound the crime, they are encouraged along my industries making themselves rich off the sentimental lies we tell ourselves about life after death.
I have chosen the arc of my life every step of the way. I will not relinquish it at the end.
5/17 Friday
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Down in my basement gym. It's upper body compound dumbbells today. I alternate dumbbell and barbell workouts for the variety. Compound movements because I don't have time to do isolate arms this morning. Compound movements provide the most bang for the buck/minute. 5 sets, 3 minutes between sets. Chest ups, db bench, reverse rows, db standing press. Skipping legs today: my back's a little sore from Monday's deadlifts.
I don't really call it cross-training. It's all training to me. Everything you do to improve is training. And I like the way it makes me look in a tee shirt. I keep at it because I keep improving. I know this can't go on indefinitely, but, at 64, improving is hugely rewarding. It defies the convention of what 64 is supposed to be. I don't really train like exercise authorities recommend. I go at it every day, resting only on sporadic days when I wake up tired and my body's demanding a rest. I train like I did when I was 24. The only significant difference is that I can't/don't run as fast. I can run much further, but not as fast. The weight I'm lifting now is beginning to approach what I was lifting 40 years ago, also. This is really quite an exploration as I run out my remaining years. I keep thinking....plyometrics and some sprinting...maybe I can match my old running paces.
5/13 Last Week
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I lost my focus last week and missed 2 runs and 2 strength work outs. This happens from time to time. I'm 10 weeks out from my 64'th. Physical fitness is the foundation upon which all mental and physical health rests. I cannot honestly claim injury or fitness. It was just loss of will and focus. I don't know why the wheels sometimes just come off. No excuse. I'm 151.7 lb. 16% body fat by impedance measure. This is too high.
In wonderful Stoic Spartan manner:
"You should pray for a healthy mind in a healthy body.
Ask for a stout heart that has no fear of death,
and deems length of days the least of Nature's gifts
that can endure any kind of toil,
that knows neither wrath nor desire and thinks
the woes and hard labors of Hercules better than
the loves and banquets and downy cushions of Sardanapalus.
What I commend to you, you can give to yourself;
For assuredly, the only road to a life of peace is virtue."
I lose my identity when I do not train. I flush into the pool of the indulgent lumpen consumers.